Yes, we’re going there. And what better way to debut this series on the BRAND NEW AND IMPROVED ACTUALLY Project Wonderboy? Hit the jump, and prepare for some Jesus…

Title: The Passion of the Christ
Starring: James Caviezel, Monica Bellucci, Maia Morgenstern
Release Date: February 25, 2004
Running Time: 125 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Rotten Tomatoes Ranking: 50%

50% from the RT, eh? Right down the line. Luckily somebody has volunteered to break the tie, and even more luckily, that somebody is me. This movie is what happens when celebrities get really rich and really religious, and decide to do things. But it’s actually pretty cool, as far as plot goes, and the settings look great. To add to the realism, director Mel Gibson decided to not have any English spoken in the film, and instead had Aramaic, Hebrew, and Latin. It would’ve been awesome if some of the Romans had spoken German too, particularly to some of the more Jewish characters, but it would be a few more years before Gibson was into that sort of thing. Still, the scene where Jesus (Caviezel) calls Mary Magdelene (Bellucci) “Sugartits” was a pretty hilarious precursor of things to come.

Alot of people are familiar with the plot of this movie, so this section will be alot of what you already know. Feel free to skim the next few paragraphs. The movie starts with Jesus talking to Satan, who actually does a bunch of stuff in this movie, unlike when my old church used to do a play during Easter Mass. The play was performed by the kids in religious class, and none of them ever played Satan in the play itself, though rumor has it the priests would have them play the South Park version of Satan afterwards. Satan’s telling Jesus he’s about to get fucked over, and then the Romans come and take him away. Should’ve listened to Satan, nigga!

So then all the nasty stuff that happens to Jesus starts. This is the violence that made this movie, despite being about Jesus, controversial and gave it its R rating. It starts pretty tame. The Romans tie him down and beat him with sticks. Then they whip him a bit, and then use this kickass looking whip with hooks and teeth and shit in it. This rips the fuck out of him, but they aren’t done yet. Next they pour salt water all over his wounds and have cats lick them with that rough tongue that cats have, followed by paper cuts to his eye and the head of his cock, which was unprotected by the foreskin that may’ve saved him, due to certain barbaric Jewish practices. Next they burn him with that acid Jack Napier falls into in the Tim Burton Batman movie that makes him the Joker, except Jesus doesn’t turn into the Joker, though it does explain why he looks whiter than everyone else in that part of the world.

Then Doc Brown shows up for some reason in his Delorean, and the Romans steal it from him, put Jesus in it, and take him to 9/11 where they let the towers fall on him, breaking several ribs in the process. Then they bring him back to their time but they bring an air conditioner back with them and turn it on and aim it at his ear for several hours, making his ear very cold. Then they flick it with their fingers, which is extremely painful on a freezing cold ear, for those who’ve never experienced it. The movie never explains where they plug the A/C into, but I suppose a certain amount of suspension of disbelief is a good thing.

Of course, that’s enough to make even Jesus say “Uncle”, but then God comes down and goes “Dude, we’re not fucking Pagans. You don’t have any uncles.”, and Jesus feels silly for a bit while Pontius Pilate shouts “Pwn3d”. Then the Jews decide that the scene wouldn’t be complete without a rape, at which point Randy Orton’s music hits, and the most unspeakable scene in cinematic history ensues. Finally Jesus is crucified which is pretty uneventful following all the previous stuff, but the next day the Easter Bunny shows up, much to the Disciples’ surprise since he’s still a day early. But he explains that he needs to beat the traffic back to Rome or something, and gives everyone some chocolate, and they all put their cool faces on to end the film.

I rather like this movie, even if there are some parts I may be remembering a little differently, and alot of work was definitely put into making it good. The language thing, as mentioned earlier, works really well. And the fact that Caviezel was actually struck by lightning during the filming and still continued is pretty badass. There are a few parts where the plot differs from the Biblical version, like the presence of Satan and Doc Brown, but overall it’s pretty faithful to the story. Accusations of anti-Semitism carry pretty much no weight, since the story is pretty much pre-established and there really isn’t anything about it that portrays the Jews any worse than the source material does. In all honesty, there are some parts that are uncomfortable to watch, because of all the violence and rape, but the engaging nature of the plot makes up for it, whether you actually believe in it or not.

Art Score: 8
Entertainment Score: 7
Total Score: 71

For those of you who haven’t read my prior reviews on our main site, Morphine Nation, go check them out here. At this time, I’m going to debut a feature that I’d planned on doing once I had more than five of these done, basically just a running count of the Top 5 movies reviewed in this series, based on Total Score given. Once I do more, a Bottom 5 will be included as well:

Top 5 Movies

1. From Dusk Till Dawn (88)
2. Road Trip (82.5)
3. House of 1000 Corpses (78)
4. The Passion of the Christ (71)
5. EuroTrip (69.5)

Welcome Jesus, to Project Wonderboy. Welcome Project Wonderboy, to Morphine Nation.

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