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T.N.A. iMPACT

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You know what time it is, right?

Time to fight a bear, me thinks…

- We kick things off with Dreamer, Richards, Rhino, Foley, Devon, and Raven (who is sitting in classic fashion in the ring corner) all hyping the PPV. Dreamer asks Devon where the hell Bubba is, family differences is our answer… they call him out to discuss. “Are you in or are you out?” yells Devon… Bubba begins to walk away…. Dreamer grabs the mic and appeals to doing it for the fans, heart strings, etc. Foley talks too, and tells him the show will be better with him, than without, and if he doesn’t do it… well, he’ll regret it for the rest of his life. Then Tazz stands at the announce table, “Just do it man, just do it.” Bubba gets in the ring, “Just answer me one question, are we going to light someone on fire?” he asks. All the ECW guys smile, Bubba’s in!

Bubba picked up the Inferno plasmid in Bioshock 2, I guess…

- Hulk comes out as the crowd is going nuts already… they pop, of course. Hulk puts over the PPV and EC Two Point Ohh. Or I guess they are called. Hulk likens ECW to the Nineties to what Hulk was to the Eighties. Eric and also have a surprise for them tonight, and we’ll find out later as the Green Lantern Abyss comes out… “They” are not happy, but are pissed off… this old shtick… He blames Dixie Carter. Hulk tells him to fuck off until the PPV is over, but they told him he will take out Dreamer tonight. Hulks is like fuck off asshole again, but Dreamer accepts the challenge anyways.

- Velvet Sky is confronted by Madison Rayne and Von Erich about all the soap opera drama revolving around them, and they are trying to make peace. But it’s all “No, you di-int” in regards to the Tara mystery biker chick, and Angelina Love, etc. Blah blah blah, then they dyke out and hug. It’s a pretty good porn scene. Patman would be happy.

PATMAN!!!!! Yeah this is for my bro, PatMan. No one helps me kill zombies like PatMan… well Bruce, Glacinator, and the Gun Sage help too, but this one is for the PatMan. Check out Wonderpod, actually. They’re on motherfucking i-Tunes now.

- Angelina Love versus Sarita is up next. Can’t say that I really care much here. Although I like Sarita’s slutty heel outfit. Nice. It’s fairly short, with Angelina coming out on top. Yes, that does sound perverted… whatever. Cut to Eric Young and Orlando Jordan cut a comical bit backstage and Jordan is less sexually ambiguous than normal… I guess they are tagging together or something…

- We come back, and Orlando Jordan is trying to shove chewed gum from his mouth into So-Cal Val’s mouth… ok. That was disturbing, as Taz puts it too. I guess they are squaring off against Ink. Inc. Meh. Punk For A DAY!!! YAY! It’s a pretty shitty match, and somehow involves a mannequin for some reason. I’d like to explain as to why, but that would hurt my brain.

- Meanwhile…

Charles Barkley@ G: “Hey Dad, I’m in jail!! That was a cool song, I remember Pump Up the Volume… seriously, though. Can you post bail?”

G@ Charles Barkley: “Fucker…. why do I put up with this?”

- Flair is inring to announce the latest member of his new stable? I am guessing… nothing. I just let Flair talk, as he is notorious lately for saying suck-my-balls-Russo, I-don’t-use-a-script, I-just-wing-it. Longest hyphenated term ever. It’ll be in the dictionary by next year, mark my words. Beer Money! is officially in the “Forture.” Flair is awesome!!! James Storm effectively rips off Booker T’s 5 time, 5 time, 5 time, 5 time, 5 time champion bit referencing their best of five tourney with the REAL best tag team in the business today, the Motor City Machine Guns. Kazarian tells us, indirectly, that they are better than the NEXUS. AJ sucks Flair’s dick, as per usual. Then he dubs the former Global title (and former Old people Legends title), the TELEVISION TITLE. He claims it will be defended every week on TV as a result. That, my smarks, is actually a good thing says this here G. Twas a good little shtick. Flair was gold, as usual.

SENIOR TITLE! Old people continue to get in the way, right Hogan?

- Angle rises from the floor, and is happy to hear AJ will honor that title…. and reminds us of his squash-fest to the top. AJ is next in line… Oh it’s real, it’s damn real.

Attack Monkey ^ here. Guess what, I just unleashed them on stupid people. Nothing really was lost as a result

- Thank fucking Jeebus, it’s Beer Money! versus the MCMGs in a steel cage. Best of 5, and the Alcoholics lead the series 2 – 0. This should be fun. Rhoode blades really early for no good reason, even though this match is pretty slick. It is a great match, this whole series has been fun as hell to watch. To Lance Storm and all the haters, THIS IS WORTH WATCHING. Rhoode just keeps bleeding like Simon after the boys murder his ass in Lord of the Flies. Sabin makes the top of the cage and hits a sick looking crossbody splash on Beer Money! ! They replay this multiple times (as they should) while the crowd goes nuts. Storm misses a beer bottle smash and hits his partner and allows the MCMG’s to pick up a win. The best part is, since it’s a best of 5, we ALL know it will go to the fifth match, so enjoy the hell out of this ride, people.

- Ha ha ha!!! Matt Morgan comes down and tries to impersonate Mr. Anderson’s microphone from the sky beckoning… the mic guy “fucks” up and then reluctantly lowers it… ha ha ha… awesome shtick… Morgan then breathes heavily into in farce, and does his best impression. And, surprising me as pretty damn good! Morgan finds a way to pick apart every aspect of Anderson’s entrance sarcastically! Well done for a guy who generally sucks on the microphone. Anderson comes out to retort, and completely trumps Morgan’s fine promo… but, well, that’s what makes Ken awesome.

Word.

- It dissolves into a brawl… and Morgan starts choking out Anderson with the microphone cable. Somewhere, Daniel Bryan is fired again… Jeff Hardy comes out for the save and the two stomp on Morgan, with security coming in to break it up… cheap shot on Anderson by Morgan, security is getting a wee bit “over the top,” as we watch an obvious plant for a new tag team given birth… TNA agents come down and pull the over-zealous security guards off as we cut to commercials…

- Anderson and Hardy backstage, Anderson let’s the referees know that they get to face them. But until then, it’s Kazarian w/ AJ Styles versus Rob Terry next. Holy crap, there is still like 35 minutes plus overrun time left? Fuck TNA packs a lot in, and as I wrote all of that, Rob Terry pins Kaz in what was like under a minute. Meh.

- The refs/security/whatever-the-fuck (Murphy and Gunner) AND Morgan versus Hardy and Anderson. It’s a unable-to-walk handicap match. Murphy and Gunner are okay in this, I’ll give them credit.

This “Gunner” was named “Murphy. Audie Murphy, motherfucker. He’s number one.

- “Bischoff’s Blockbuster”: “The end always hangs on the beginning…” Eric starts with as he goes into super-hype mode for the August 12th ECV.2. Lot’s of pandering to the crowd and ass kissing to Dixie Carter… until Abyss interrupts. He’s got Janice with him. Worst knockout ever… Abyss wants to put Janice on a pole against RVD at the ECW PPV in the main event. After being threatened, Bischoff promises to make it happen… Abyss goes into threatening mode, so RVD comes out to attack Abyss… with a chair. What do you call the Van Terminator when he does it from a standing in the ring position? He hits one of those, but Rob gets too adamant with his flippy flops allowing for Abyss to take the upper hand… TNA Agents run out AGAIN, this time with steel chairs putting a stop to the assault. Al Snow, abducts Janice on the way out… Tommy Dreamer comes down for his match with Abyss and HANDS DREAMER JANICE, THE SPIKED 2×4!

YAY!

- GARBAGE MATCH! WEAPONS EVERYWHERE TO START OFF! Garbage cans, canes, baking sheets, the usual… I love this stuff. It’s pointless to try and describe everything, but the head-first launch Dreamer took into a chair wedged in the ring corner was a sick spot. Dreamer retaliates with some tree of woe, drop kick of a trash can into Abyss’ face… out comes the barbedwire board! Janice enters the fray, but like guns on the GI Joe cartoon hit nothing (never hits anything). We build to the climax with Dreamer being slammed into the barbed wire board and Abyss hits the pin. Abyss grabs his Janice postmatch, and Raven comes down with a chair for the save… nope. He attacks Dreamer actually. DDT ON DREAMER INTO A CHAIR!!! FUCK YEAH!! Raven is yelling shit into Dreamer’s prone face and celebrates…

The ECV.2 PPV will be either a car-wreck or not. Nothing in between… But I am known for horribly missing predictions.

- TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.

- Drowgoddess’ version is here.

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Random Morphine Reference:

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PW’S ALL-TIME TOP 100 MOVIES: 15-11. The top ten will be up this week. Check back for our panel’s final list!

Tags: 2010, abyss, angelina love, angle, barkley, beautiful people, bischoff, Bored Wrestling Fan, daffney, Deadliest Warrior, Dreamer, dudley, dudleys, ECV.2, ECW, flair, foley, hardy, Hogan, impact, jarrett, July 29, logic fail, magic ring, nash, nWo, PPV, raven, Rhino, Richards, RVD, style, t.n.a., tara, tna, velvet sky, Version 2, wrestle, Wrestling, x division, your mom

This entry was posted on Friday, July 30th, 2010 at 12:19 am and is filed under Reviews, Television, Wrestling. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.