-Here we go, second RAW Reflection in a row! Why not, seems like a good idea! Seeing the adulation I received from their return last week, my ego will only allow me to continue them now. Last week’s RAW was also pretty good to boot! This weeks? Not so much.
-We kick off RAW with everyone’s favourite rapist, Randy Orton, who DEMANDS that tonight’s guest host, Jesse “The Body Governor Former Navy Seal Sexual Tyrannosaurus” Ventura, give’em a WWE Title match because… well, because! Why not? They’ve already gone through the full rotation of main eventers, might as well start over at the top of the list! But not so fast! Jesse Ventura (who’s here tonight “dressed like a wrestler, and not a governor!” which apparently involves a stupid faux-alligator skin jacket…) don’t wanna play that. Nah, he’s a REVOLUTIONARY, see, and he wants to see someone break through the glass ceiling and shit. So, we’re gonna have a battle royale tonight involving people from RAW and SmackDown (because FUCK THAT OTHER SHOW!!) who have NEVER EVER had a Title shot. However, since this is a three hour special and they need those midcarders to fill things out, they’re also going to have qualifying matches as well. Whoo. Oh, also, CM Punk gets to face John Cena for the first time, and the Hart Dynasty will face D-Generation X. Our first match starts NOW!!
-Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler. Which was… eh. The result could have been seen from miles away, seeing as Kofi has a rocket up his ass right now. Which isn’t that bad that they’re pushing him to the moon. The kid’s REALLY good.
-Backstage, the toothful face of the Miz is here to discuss what he’s thankful for, which is nothing, because everything he’s accomplished this year, was expected by him. Instead, we should be thankful for him being so good. FUCK what a good heel.
-Back from Break, IRELAND EXPLODES!!!! Finlay vs. Sheamus. See, Ireland is a magical land where people only have one name. Y’know, this would have made a killer feud, what with Finlay from Northern Ireland and Sheamus from Republican Ireland, but that would be expecting WWE’s core demographic of 12 year olds having any sort of intelligence! Anyway, while this was short, it was actually fun to watch the Irishmen brawl. I can ONLY hope that this will be a feud later.
-Some shit involving Vickie Guerrero happened that I don’t care about and chose not to watch.
-We reach the point of the show where the guest host promotes whatever thing he’s doing this week to warrant their appearance as RAW’s guest host. This week, Jesse “The Gribble” Ventura hosts some show called Conspiracy Theory. I hope one episode is dedicated to that one angle in WCW, where JJ Dillon and Dean Malenko and Juventud Guerrera conspired to get the Cruiserweight Title away from Chris Jericho by having Malenko sneak into the Crusierweight battle royal at Slamboree 1998 disguised as Cyclope, when he wasn’t allowed to be in it.
-Christ, I’m old.
-Back from break, CM PUNK IS HERE! DOING HIS STRAIGHT EDGE GIMMICK FROM THE INDIES!! And is wearing Hart Foundation-themed tights. This was fucking cool, especially how he called the audience fat drug addicts and how he’s better than them. My fiancée thinks CM Punk is “hot,” as well. He’s here for his match against Cena, which really could have been a LOT worse. Seriously, this was the first time in a LONG time where I’ve seen a Cena match where he didn’t completely squash his opponent. Having to do the SUPER F-U to put away Punk was a nice touch. Right now, the ROH-Bots are weeping, though.
-Backstage, Vince is with Jesse. The only important thing you need to know about this segment is that Jesse and Vince are doing commentary for the main event tonight.
-Six Man tag for the Battle Royale. Masters, Chavo, and Swagger vs MVP, Mark Henry, and R-Truth. This match was fucking boring. FUCKING BORING. The black guys won.
-Backstage, DX are issued a subpoena by a midget paralegal for attacking Hornswoggle last week. Next week’s RAW will be featuring a Little People’s Court. Next week’s show will be midget themed, because the guy who played Mini Me is hosting. There’s a relevant celebrity!
-Back from break, Evan Bourne vs. Primo Colon doesn’t happen because Randy beats the shit out of Primo before the match even begins. Jesse “The Conspiracy Theorist” Ventura is on the big screen and says that since Randy reminds him of himself, with all the rule breaking and REVOLUTIONARY stuff he does, Jesse’s going to let Randy have a chance to be in the battle royale. That, and to beat the piss out of Evan Bourne for smoking marijuana. Hey, doesn’t Randy smoke marijuana too? MIXED SIGNALS, MUCH!
-Here’s a video package of funny bits from the time Jesse and Vince hosting Saturday Night’s Main Event together. Considering that the bulk of WWE’s core demographic were conceived during 1995 (AT THE EARLIEST…), I don’t know if this is not so much a nostalgia trip, but more like video proof that, yes, Jesse and Vince once commentated together. Fucking kids.
-They decided to make a sequel to The Marine, staring Ted DiBiase Jr. Because the Marine 1 left SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS!!!
-HEY GUESS WHAT! There’s a holiday this week, and you know what that means! That’s right, WWE Creative forces the females on the roster to wear stupid holiday themed costumes and wrestle in them! The heels, of course, are the Pilgrims! Because Pilgrims aren’t sexy and shit. The heel’s aren’t happy about it, but their bitching is interrupted by THE GOBBLEDY GOOKER! Yes, another late 80’s reference that none of WWE’s target demographic was alive to see!!! Fuck. And finally, “The Indians,” who come down to Tatanka’s theme and have a titantron of various public domain video clips of Indians doing Indian things. It doesn’t matter that a lot of it has NOTHING to do with the tribes the Pilgrims would have met when they first landed, but whatever. FUCKING GODAWFUL TERRIBLE MATCH, btw, but you already knew that. Post-match, Melina is attacked by the returning Maryse. She was disguised as the Gobbledy Gooker. Whoo.
-Ok, if my mood wasn’t sour by now, DX vs. The Hart Dynasty REALLY pissed me off. No, it wasn’t because DX beat the Hart Dynasty. I was expecting that. Hell, the match was actually pretty good, and made the Hart Dynasty look good. No, what pissed me off was the commentary, and how they did not mention even ONCE THE FUCKING HISTORY THE H’S AND SHAWN MICHAELS HAVE WITH MEMBERS OF THE HART FAMILY!! NOT ONE FUCKING BIT! And I don’t mean JUST The Montreal Screwjob. I mean ALL THE FUCKING HISTORY. Shawn’s early feuds with Bret Hart? Or how about how Shawn screwed David Hart Smith’s father Davey Boy out of the IC Title at the last Saturday Night’s Main Event of the 90’s? Or how he screwed Davey out of the European Championship at One Night Only in 1997? Or how DX embarrassed Nattie Neidhart’s father Jim on the RAW after Survivor Series 1997? Or DX’s feud with Owen in 1998? ALL THAT FUCKING HISTORY, and none of it is mentioned. This match should have been MUCH bigger than it was, but thanks to the fucking commentating, it wasn’t. I bet Matt Stryker would have mentioned the Montreal Screwjob, at least…
-…after that match, Jericho comes out and lets us know that the Tag Titles will be on the line in a TLC match between DX and SUPERTEAM WCW 2000 (Jericho and Big Show). But I was too fucking pissed to care.
-Back from break, Batista is here (whom my fiancée says looks “Old.”) to say things. He wants to face the Undertaker for the World Title, but Kane wants to face Batista first for some reason.
-Cryme Tyme vs. Legacy. Who gives a shit about Cryme Tyme? Legacy wins.
-Backstage, Gail Kim is ABOUT to give thanks to the WWE for giving her a 6-figure reason to leave TNA, but is interrupted by Alicia Fox, who no one cares about. Their bickering is interrupted by Eurotrash Superstar, who redeems himself a little bit with his misogynistic ways. He gets pies in the face from assorted females. This is what WWE considers women’s empowerment.
-Main Event Time, and I’m fucking burnt out. Orton, Legacy, MVP, Mark Henry, R-Truth, Kofi Kingston and Sheamus. Y’know, the whole “Main Event Heel staying outside of the battle royale” was cool when Edge did it THREE YEARS AGO. Now, it’s just tired and stale, and seeing Orton do it was a tad tiresome. SPEAKING OF STALE, you know how some nostalgic things age like fine wine, like, I don’t know, old Simpsons episodes? Well, the Ventura-McMahon commentary team was like drinking expired milk, FUCKING TERRIBLE. If they weren’t bickering about shit no one cares about, Vince was mumbling into his headset and Jesse… well, I don’t think Jesse’s watched wrestling in a LONG time. If there was any way to make Michael Cole look good, I NEVER would have guessed this would be the way to do it. Oh, Sheamus wins in a shocker.
-…What? The show isn’t over? We’re doing a contract signing NOW NOW NOW! So, it’ll be the two whitest guys on the roster (skin pigment and personality) facing off at TLC, a PPV I’ve already bitched about. Anyway, Cena gets all emotional and stuff. Which is weird, because I would have figured fighting oversized foreigners would be second nature to him by now. And, after the contract is signed, Jesse Ventura fucking SWERVES and goes all heel on Cena, which culminates in Sheamus beating Cena up and this show is FINALLY OVER.
-GOOD GOD did things go downhill fast. This was almost excruciatingly exhausting to sit through. While the whole concept of the show (giving the new kids a chance) was a good idea, its execution was bad. And it was no fault of the wrestlers, mostly. Maybe part of my dislike for this show has to do with the fact I REALLY liked last week’s show. I don’t know, it just really stunk. Oh well, see you next week.
-END.
“See, Ireland is a magical land where people only have one name.” Classic Creed, classic.
Well I am surprised we did agree a fair bit in some spots. You covered some matches I totally was apathetic towards as well, which made me happy to read as well. Maybe I am marking out a little bit too much for Ventura, from a different stand point I completely agree that the commentary did take away from the match.
If a match allows me to make ANY sort of Historical joke (IE: Sheamus vs. Finlay=IRA vs Ulster feud), I take the ball and run with it.
I also should’ve pointed out, good criticism about the neglect to point out HBK/Hart (to say the least) if nothing else, let alone the connection. Sure they can reference 1990 with the turkey garbage, but not 1997. If they’re targetting 12 year olds, at least most of them were born that year huh?
You’re old? I was AT Slamboree 1998. Awesome Reflections, and especially welcome since I missed the show this week.
Ano will love this, I was legal drinking age in 1998… on the dot mind, you, as I am ancient… or so I get told!