With the release of the movie 2012, I’ve decided to write some tips on surviving the end of the world. Lets just leave out the basics okay, things like being fit, should be a givin. If I have to tell you that, then you just need to walk away, because you are already doomed. Grab a lawn chair, a brewsky, and watch the world collapse around you. Now that we have established that lets go ahead and talk about what the fuck 2012 is anyways.

2012, the so called end of the world. Each of us has heard the story, the Mayan calendar ends, I Ching predicted it, just turn your TV to National Geographic, Biography or History and you will get a good lesson on it. December 21, 2012, what some have come to know as the end. Personally, I don’t believe it, but that does not mean I won’t be prepared. I may not believe, but that does not mean I’m stupid. I didn’t believe that they would actually replace Robert Englund on NOES, jokes on me.

So what are we to do, once the proverbial shit hits the fan. Well it just so happens that this girl is a big fan of action movies, especially ones that mean the end of the world (They tend to have the best effects). So I have composed a list, of things to do, and things not to do when one is trying to save their ass. Each one is important, skip one and just rename yourself Conrad Zimsky, and be prepared to die.

Rule 1. Don’t be an asshole/bitch

Watch every single disaster movie, horror movie, or movie in general. If you are the guy that everyone can’t stand, the one who must always go left, when everyone says right. The guy that knows he is the greatest, then you are probably going to die. If you see a lake of hot lava, and have the sudden urge to push the nerd next to you into it, think twice. Not only will you die within the next hour, but you have just killed someone who is going to save you.

Now Ladies, you are not any better. Delaying people because you need to reapply your makeup, is grounds for us to push you down and run. Snide comments are not needed when racing against time, we have lives to save, and if it means throwing you off a cliff to ensure that, well then most of us have no problem. This is time sensitive (Rule 4), you must remember this, so please pack a pair of tennis shoes.

Rule 2. Groups are key

Don’t be the person that wants to run off on their own, do you know what happens to that guy. He ends up falling down the crack in the earth, because he didn’t have a friend there to grab his hand. It is called the ‘buddy system’ people, grab a buddy, if your buddy dies, well then you better find a new buddy. Team work is key people, there is going to be a leader, he/she is the one who is going to save your ass. Don’t question it, this is the time to be the sheep. Also, when in a group always have someone to be the lookout. People go crazy at these times, so you need someone to be stand by.

Rule 3. NO Kissing, making out, long love speeches

As I have stated before this is the end of the world, time is a very valuable thing. So please don’t stop and give your loved one a ten minute speech on the first time you saw them sneeze, and now you can’t believe that it may never happen again. Save the speech for when you are positive you are dying. The rest of us want to live, and we really don’t care the color of your underwear. Speeches need to be about how the fuck were going to save ourselves.

Rule 4. Speed

Walking is not an option, you have to keep up speed when racing against time. Speed limits don’t need to be followed, see that one way road, fuck it go the wrong way. It us against the world, and I’m pretty sure that the world has a good chance of winning. So place your foot on the gas, and book it out of there. This rule is a very important one, if you skip it then you might as well bend over and kiss your sorry sad ass goodbye.

Rule 5. There will be casualties.

Death is bound to happen, things may crash down, the earth might open up, monkeys might eat your brain. But if you plan on crying your eyes out, standing there, we are bound to leave your ass. If you stick with the dead, you are just bound to end up just like them. It is okay to feel sad, but we have to keep a move on.

In closing, there are probably more rules that one could come up with, hell maybe even better rules, but these are ones I think are rather important. Whether you believe the end of the world is coming, or you think the people who believe should be hit with sticks the fact is you should always be prepared. So keep these rules in the back of your head, as a car comes speeding towards you.