Seeing as my inaugural review for Deadliest Warrior was somewhat popular, I figure that I’ll keep doing them. At the VERY least, I have to do the match that has been promoted for MONTHS, the one I have seriously been waiting for, Attila The Hun vs. Alexander The Great! I haven’t been excited for a TV show in a long, long time, guys.

BACKGROUND INFORMATION: This week, we are dealing with, and I say this without hyperbole, two of the three greatest conquerors of the Ancient World, if not of all time. Alexander the Great, King of Macedonia and Conqueror of Persia, is synonymous with Conquest and naming towns after one’s self. Also had a shitty “Artsy” film made about him by Oliver Stone that would have been better if it followed a linear storyline. Attila The Hun, The Scourge of God, is synonymous with destruction and evil. Brought the Western Roman Empire to its knees, and, up until Adolf Hitler, was the standard-bearer for Evil, Destructive Despots. Also, I’m a wee bit of a fan of Attila.

PREDICTION: I have, HAVE to go with Attila The Hun. I’ve put way too much intellectual and creative effort into my fandom of Attila to not side with him on this one.

SPECIAL WEAPONS TEST – THE BALLISTA (Alexander The Great) VS. THE SCYTHIAN AXE (Attila The Hun): First up, it’s the Ballista. And it’s friggin’ HUGE. While it is impressive, there are some serious flaws. First of all, it’s HUGE. It would be a pain in the ass to lug this around on a battlefield. Second, it takes two minutes to reload, aim and fire this thing, and considering that Attila The Hun would be on horseback, and quite nimble on horseback at that, it would be pretty hard to even get one successful shot off. And third, the first shot they DID get off in the test of the Ballista, killed Attila’s Horse, but not Attila. HOWEVER, the Scythian Axe did not hold up well against a test against a Macedonian helmet; the fucker didn’t even fracture skull! While I still say the Scythian Axe is a much more reasonable weapon to have, the Ballista wins THIS round… EDGE: Alexander The Great

LONG RANGE WEAPONS TEST – THE GASTRAPHETES (Alexander The Great) VS. THE HUNNIC COMPOSITE BOW (Attila The Hun): For this test, It’s all about time and accuracy; who can get the most shots off the fastest, and the most accurately. First up, it’s the Hunnic Bow, and the dude testing it is RIDING A HORSE YES. This is key, because this is the most likely situation a Hun would be firing his bow. And good lord, was this dude good, basically every shot was a hit. The Gastraphetes… well, it looks kind of silly. It’s a crossbow that one fires from the stomach for leverage. Much like the Ballista, this thing would be awkward to lug around. The Hunnic Bow wins, and rightly so; Attila would have fired off 5 arrows (seriously) before Alexander got a single shot off with his Gastraphetes. EDGE: Attila The Hun

Midway through the show, we get a demonstration of a wrestling style Alexander The Great was trained in. Basically, it’s described to be like mixed martial arts, except with no rules (their words). To demonstrate, we get UFC Guy Rashad Evans to wail away on a gel torso. The highlight is when he knees it in the skull, causing a broken neck and a skull fracture. Neat!

MID-RANGE WEAPONS TEST – THE XYSTON (Alexander The Great) vs. THE LASSO (Attila The Hun): FINALLY, they demonstrate a reasonable weapon for Alexander. The Xyston is fucking awesome, I must admit. 12-foot, double-tipped spear. They get Rashad Evans in here again, to test it. They send a Pig carcass down a zipline, and Rashad stabs at it. Rashad notes that the Xyston is so good, he didn’t even know he had penetrated the pig’s flesh until the carcass made contact with his hand. The Lasso, well, it’s not nearly as cool. Sure, its test was successful (they got the Horse Dude to do a riding test, and broke a mannequin’s neck, it’s nowhere near the killer that the Xyston is. EDGE: Alexander The Great

SHORT RANGE WEAPONS TEST – THE KOPIS (Alexander The Great) VS. THE SWORD OF MARS (Attila The Hun): YES! YESYESYES!!! I highly commend the researchers for this show for having the Sword Of Mars. See, the Sword of Mars was Attila’s legendary sidearm, given to him by the God of War himself (the Hunnic one, the Roman Historians just used the familiar term ‘Mars’ for their convenience). According to the show, it was forged from meteoric iron, which I did not know. ANYWAY, the tests. Four targets (two swinging bits of cowribs, and two skulls on spinal columns), one swordsman on horseback. The objective is to make as many killing blows as fast as possible. The Sword of Mars did VERY well, ‘killing’ every target. The Kopis, though…. Well, it managed to decapitate well, but its slashing blows on the bits of cow were not considered strong enough to be ‘Killshots.’ EDGE: Attila The Hun.

SIMULATION RESULTS: For this, they gave Attila and Alexander two foot soldiers, as they would normally travel with escorts. Once again, I commend the researchers for their accuracy. See, the history dork in me REALLY appreciates the demonstration of Attila and his Hun pals getting freaked out by scattering birds. They were a suspicious bunch, see. All in all, this was a VERY epic swordfight, probably one of the best they’ve done on this show. In the end, Attila’s scrappiness wins the day, and I do my VERY best from not scaring the people around me and refrain from screaming in Triumph! WINNER: Attila The Hun, 596 Kills to 404.

BEST PERFORMING WEAPON: The Hunnic Composite Bow (Attila The Hun) – 354 Kills. The Hunnic Bow was fucking amazing. Up until the development of Gunpowder weapons, as mentioned earlier in the show, nothing was more lethal than a mounted archer, and the Huns made this into an artform.

WORST PERFORMING WEAPON: The Ballista (Alexander The Great) – 7 Kills. Seriously, this thing had no use in this battle. Facing large numbers, the Ballista is effective, but in one-on-one combat, getting a kill with it is basically a lucky shot.

FINAL THOUGHTS: So far, I’m two-and-zero with my predictions. I have always argued that Attila The Hun was the greatest badass in history, and this show helps my argument. Had this been a contest of generalship, Alexander The Great might have won the day, but one-on-one, Attila The Hun had his number.

NEXT WEEK: Two of America’s most beloved “Bad Guys,” Jesse James and Al Capone, face off! It’ll most certainly be a Gun-based show, but the beauty of this, is, they’re using old-timey firearms, and not insane, military-grade superguns. SHOULD BE GOOD. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

Tags: Deadliest Warrior

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