-We are, like, a month and a half away from WRUSSLEMUNYA 26, but first, we have to make a stop in SuperfulousPPVville before we go full-steam on the Road To WrestleMania. Yippie! Oh, here’s RAW.
-Tonight’s Guest Host is some NASCAR dude. Whoooo. They pretend to let the Midget drive his car, which even Jerry Stupid Lawler questions the physics of such an act. Kelly Kelly announces the arrival of the NASCAR Dude, accompanied by the Bella Twins. I bet you that the Bella Twins REALLY want WWE to keep the guest host thing going. Otherwise, they might be out of a job.
-NASCAR Dude does some backflip that’s supposedly famous and blah blah blahs until Sheamus O’Shaunnessy comes out to bully him into removing himself from the Fuck You, Elimination Chamber, which brings out The Third Brand Champion, Christian! I have literally not seen the dude wrestle since he returned from the Land of Dixie Carter. Don’t believe a word he says, btw, NASCAR is NOT popular up here. Anyway, Christian is all upset that his fake brother Edge wouldn’t consider challenging for the Third Brand Title, JUST because Vince said that he’s cancelling the brand. No biggie! Sheamus O’Shaunnessy calls Christian a “Lame Dook Champ’yen.” And Christian’s all “NUH UH! U R LAMEZ!” Harkening back to the glory days of “E&C.” Kids today do not know these things, because they’re stupid, snotty nosed assholes! Anway, we get Christian vs. Sheamus O’Shaunnessy, and it’s on NOW.
-BRANDWARFARE OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! I missed the latter half of this match, but I am not exactly weeping. I also hate how the Third Belt is bigger than the WWE Championship.
-Backstage, Shawn completely forgets about WrestleMania 14, saying that WrestleMania 26 will be THE FIRST TIME DX HAS BEEN AT WRASSLEMANYAHS. Hunter wants to be Champ again, and this makes Shawn all pissy. IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU!!!!
-Last Week, off camera, John Cena came to Bret Hart’s aid, and then Batista beat the shit out of him. WrestleMania is actually looking very good, right about now.
-Backstage, Cody Rhodes and Teddy Diabetes are arguing with each other about last week. Randy Orton shows up and is all “YOU THINK YOU CAN BEAT ME, KIDS?” Ted DiBiase vs. John Cena, and Cody Rhodes vs. Randy Orton tonight. Calling it now: Triple Threat at WrestleMania.
-Back from break, it’s SHOW-MIZ vs. The Straight Edge Society vs. DX. And that Subway Dude is at ringside. Way to keep up with pop culture relevance, WWE. Unfortunately, the Straight Edge Society loses. Fortunately, SHOW-MIZ does not! Shawn tags himself in and Hunnar’s all “WTF DOOD!” and the Miz gets a quick pin! WrestleMania 26: THE D-GENERATES EXPLODE!!!
-Backstage, the NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW Tag Team Champions cannot agree on what to call themselves. The Miz suggests “The Miz Show.” Big Show suggests SHOW-MIZ OH YES I TOTALLY COINED THIS LAST WEEK MOTHERFUCKERS!!!! THUMB ON THE PULSE OF THE WRESTLING INDUSRY RIGHT HERE!
-Further backstage, Shawn Michaels is wandering around, asking Carlito “WHERE IS HE?!?!” Who? Jesus? Waldo? His Smile? Oh, it’s Teddy Long. Shawn BEGS Teddy to “trade him to SmackDown” so that Shawn can get in the Elimination Chamber to win the World Title and have the Undertaker challenge HIM at WrestleMania. Teddy says there’s nothing he can do, Playah. Shawn doesn’t like this and he fucking TWEAKS OUT. Hunnar magically appears, asking if he’s really willing to throw away DX and his career for a match with the Undertaker and Shawn’s all like “I’M ALREADY DEAD” and kicks Teddy in the face! Jesus H. Christ, Shawn plays one convincing drug addict.
-Jillian Hall vs Gail Kim was terrible. TERRIBLE.
-The first member of the WWE Hall of Fame, Class of 2010 is The Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase. Corey MARKS THE FUCK OUT over this, and it’s hilarious.
-Backstage, we have enough product placement in one two minute segment to take the place of several commercial breaks. Aflack Ducks and Vitamin Water bottles and Subway Guys ALL OVER THE PLACE. Eurotrash Superstar wants a match with Jack Swagger, and the NASCAR Dude lets him have it! On Superstars. WHOOPIE FUCKING DOO!!!!
-Oh wait, we’re not done. Kofi Kingston is here, and gets the NASCAR Dude to book some matches for next week. Oh, and Jerry Springer is next week’s guest host. Might as well bring in Tom Green and reunite Limp Bizkit to make this necromancy of 1998 complete.
-Back from break, and CODY RHODES DOES IT! HE HAS FINALLY DEFEATED RANDY ORTON! THE BOYHOOD DREAM HAS COME TRUE, FOR CODY RHODES!!! After the match, Sheamus O’Shaunnessy comes in to attack Randy, but Cody chases Sheamus off. Corey asks why Sheamus and Randy are being mean to each other for no reason. She likes both of them, see.
-The Main Event… does not happen because Cena has no interest in wrestling tonight. That’s cool, not like there’s some sort of authority or anything telling him he has to or anything. He makes is point known by beating the piss out of Teddy DiBiase. What a GREAT role model for kids! Cena wants to right Batista, but instead gets Vince. So, Cena begins to badger Vince into facing Bret Hart at WrestleMania. Vince eventually caves, which brings out Bret Hart from the crowd! BRET ATTAX but some Indy Wrestlers in SECURITY golf shirts come out to hug Bret and shout “WOAH WOAH WOAH” at him while Vince makes his dastardly escape! Vince has a trademark supervillain change of heart and says NO MATCH. So, Bret does the logical thing and commit some moderate property damage, and nearly exploding himself. It would have been funny if he drew TNA in the air, too.
-All In All, this was pretty good. Not NEARLY as suspenseful as last week, but still good. I know I harp a lot about the guest hosts, but they have GOT to get some guest hosts that A) Can be identified in a police line up and B) Did things within the past… I dunno, three years. Five at the most. The NASCAR Dude and Jerry Springer (and, hell, Cheech and Chong, for that matter) are NOT good names to draw new fans into RAW.
-The booking for Mania is looking VERY solid. Well, the undercard is, anyway. They still need to decide the Main Event, but I guess they’ll figure that out in a week or so. SPEAKING of the Fuck You, Elimination Chamber, the event is being advertised in Germany as “No Way Out” again. I don’t know why. I can’t imagine Germans being touchy about a show called the ELIMINATION. CHAMBER.
-END.
Tags: Bret Hart, JOHN CENA, vince mcmahon, WrestleMania, Wrestling, wwe, WWE RAW
The Bella’s would be out of a job without the hosts! Or maybe they could replace bookends in Vince’s office?
Creed is right, NASCAR is about as popular in Canada as curling is in the US. AND Al totally called “Show Miz” as their name. Well done sir (I acknowledge this in my stupid article). PROPS! And not “props” as in the Bellas.
My theory (let Corey know) is Sheamus and Orton are mean to each other due to sexual tension. Orton likes to keep his crepe prey “tense.”
You know, in a less PG world, Cheech and Chong backstage with MVP and a resigned RVD and the Brian Kendrick in a that Seventies Show “round table” segment would be hilarious.
Once again, loved the review. So many things said here I agree with…
The Germany observation is gold, of course. My guess is DX will be facing each other at WM, with HHH being the heel despite HBK being the one who’s actually being a dick.